Short Stupids
by G-ChanSanKun
Summary: This is a collection of really short drabbles that literally take me 10 minutes to write, taking a movie and ruining it SOMEHOW. You'll either love it, or you'll hate it. Rated T for now for language. Enjoy
1. Emily Rose Needs to STFU

**_The Exorcism of Emily_ _Rose _belongs to the people who made it. The tiny little piece of crack that I inserted belongs to me.  
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_Emily Rose Needs to STFU_

The old barn hardly provided any shelter from the howling wind as it swirled around them, filled with all things unnatural. Emily's eyes… no, Father Moore reminded to himself, this was no longer Emily that he was looking at… were black, almost glowing in the darkness.

"One two three four five SIX!" she snarled, slipping into various foreign languages. At first, he didn't understand why she kept repeating that phrase.

"I now command you! Give me your name, demon!" He didn't let his surroundings deter him. An exorcism of this caliber… if he aborted it early, she would most certainly die.

"NEIN!" She screamed, long and piercing through the wind, "NEIN!" her voice then quieted to a sinister hiss, "One two three four five six!"

It was then that he realized the meaning of her repeated counting. She wasn't just saying it for no reason; there was a meaning behind it. After all, whenever it came to angels and demons, there was always a meaning to their words and actions, whether that motive be good or bad. He gritted his teeth, projecting his voice over the storm, if it could even be called that. It was far too unnatural to truly be called a storm of any kind. "Ancient serpents, depart from this servant of God! Tell me your six names!"

At that point, Emily – or rather, the demons within Emily – met his gaze, and everything that he'd seen in those blackened irises chilled him to the bone. The brief pause within words, even through the deafening noise, left a silence among the individuals in the barn. The ominous air around them was stifling to the point of near suffocation.

A maniacal grin spread on Emily's face. "We are the ones who dwell within!"

He recognized the foreign languages as she continued, and with every name she uttered, an all new horrific realization overcame him.

He hadn't realized the situation was this serious.

"_I am the one who once dwelt within Cain_!"

"_I am the one who once dwelt within Nero_!"

"_I once dwelt within Judas_!"

"_I was with Legion_!"

"_I am Belial_!"

There was a brief pause, and the air darkened even more as her voice reached his ears, low and menacing. "And I am Lucifer; the devil in the flesh."

And then she began to howl, so blood-curdling and frighteningly so. The horses in the stable began to panic, tried to kick down the doors, tried to escape from what was to come. The wind around then blew open the large doors to the barn, which nearly flew off the hinges from the force of their power. Father Moore realized, with a sinking pit of dread in his stomach… this was a battle that he wasn't going to win. Not tonight, at least. And that was if they survived this encounter.

Abruptly, there was a bang as the back door to the barn slammed open, startling the non-possessed people in the bar, and not eliciting a response from the six demons (probably because they didn't care whatsoever). Glancing behind them, they found none other than Gina, who looked extremely furious. And they continued to watch, in a growing terror as she stormed up to the screaming Emily and proceeded to backhand her across the face. To everyone's shock, Emily immediately was silenced, an incredulous glare on her contorted face.

Gina didn't seem to care; in fact, she almost looked satisfied at the response. "Will you SHUT THE FUCK UP!_?_" She roared indignantly into the face of the Devil, who looked confused at her anger (Oi, isn't she supposed to _fear_ me?), "PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"

Lucifer, or Belial, or Cain's demon, or whoever the hell was at the forefront of Emily's consciousness continued to stare blankly at Gina, who seemed to be growing even more irritated at the lack of reaction. "Why the hell are you staring at me like that?_!_ Some of us have shit to do in the morning! Some of us have REAL jobs!" Father Moore and Emily's dad looked offended. "I have to get up in three hours to drive another eight hours, and I don't need you next door causing a fucking riot! If you're gonna scream like that, DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

After glaring for another long moment, Gina spun on her slipper-clad heel and stalked back out of the barn, pausing only at the entrance to glare threateningly at Emily. "There better not be another fucking peep out of you, or any of the rest of you, or else I'm breaking out my fucking shotgun." Her eyes narrowed, "And it has all the enchantments it needs to send your asses beyond the Afterlife."

With that, she left, leaving the occupants of the barn in complete, awkward silence. Emily's eyes abruptly changed back to normal, and she glanced around in shock. Tears then sprang to the girl's eyes. The other occupants of the immediate area glanced at her, first in curiosity, then in surprise.

"F-Father…?" she whispered, touching her face, "I think… I think they're gone!"

Father Moore glanced at her in surprise. How in the world did the next door neighbor successfully scare the Devil out of Emily's body!_?_

"Well… surely it was a miracle of God!"

A likely story, Father Moore.

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**A/N:This series is just a way of me trying to force out creativity. It's part of the _Retard_ series, but yea. Anyways, each chapter or part of whatever will have a different movie/book/whatever parody.  
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**I'm just gonna say this. I'm putting 0% effort into writing these shorts. They're intended to be funny, but since I'm not really trying, a lot of them will probably be shitty. So for you trolls that find it necessary to state the obvious; YES, I'M WELL AWARE THAT THEY'RE CRAPPY. HENCE WHY I CALLED THEM SHORT STUPIDS. GET IT?**

**I pulled this out of my ass in five minutes, while suffering from a migraine. I suppose it could've been worse XDDD**

**Also, for my _Left Behind_ readers, never fear. I _have_ been working on an outline for Chapter 7. I'm figuring out a middle section, but once I do that and find enough time in my day, I'll most certainly get to writing it****. In the meantime, please bear with me!**


	2. Camerlengo Needs to Read the Bible

**Disclaimer: ****_Angels and Demons _****doesn't belong to me. This plot-rape does.**

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As the crowds gathered around Camerlengo McKenna, cheering for his brave act of removing the anti-matter threat, Langdon looked on. Something didn't fit; something didn't feel right. But what?

A hand abruptly landed on his shoulder, and he turned to find himself glancing at a young brunette, who happens to be the heroine of our story.

"You got the key?" she asks matter-of-factly. Confused, Langdon glanced at her.

"Who are you?" he responded, "And how do you know about the key?"

"I know everything, actually. But it's alright; you can go home." She gave him a knowing smirk. "I'll take it from here."

Approximately fifteen minutes later, McKenna was race-walking for his life. They'd never take him alive! He'd be damned if he put in all his work for nothing.

"HEY! COME BACK HERE ASSHOLE!" Gina was heard shrieking from the background. _Damn_, he thought, grabbing a candle and a pot of oil (or whatever it was he grabbed in the freakin' movie), t_hey'll never catch me. I won't allow it_.

He turned to face his pursuers, not recognizing the random brunette at the forefront of the crowd. But it didn't matter as he bathed himself in oil, and held the candle out in front of him.

"Don't move!" Gina demanded, "It's over, McKenna."

He grinned, knowing that in the end, it was his victory as he dropped the candle, igniting flames that began to engulf his entire body.

"I WILL BE A MARTYR IN HEAVEN!" He proclaimed.

He saw her give him a funny look. "You dumbass," she responded, her expression changing into a smug smirk. "Suicide's a sin! You're gonna burn in hell! And look; you're already ahead of the game."

_Oh shi-_

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**A/N: I literally wrote this in five minutes. Enjoy the shittiness of it.**


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